Week 7SeasonChug tape

DJ lost

Week 7 scores

  1. NathanOutwit, Outplay, OutbottomMarcellusGettin' D*cker'd
    108.38107.42

    Josh Jacobs 20.1 for the win. Bucky Irving 24.0 in the loss.

  2. SeanBalls DeepDJBurrowhead
    102.3892.98

    Dak Prescott 23.3 for the win. Joe Burrow 28.9 in the loss.

  3. DanielKupp the BallersCulleyThe Bye Week
    111.4276.62

    Tee Higgins 26.8 for the win. Saquon Barkley 15.1 in the loss.

  4. ZacEtienne My AssTannerHimbo Hiker Material
    127.3299.10

    Zay Flowers 27.7 for the win. Emanuel Wilson 18.5 in the loss.

  5. BillThe Flamming BillsDanGritty Glitter
    119.14101.20

    Drake Maye 27.4 for the win. Makai Lemon 19.7 in the loss.

  6. JoePlease Touchdown ThereRudyKicking Feeld Holes
    96.8281.60

    Puka Nacua 21.8 for the win. Javonte Williams 21.5 in the loss.

  7. WyattBlowin' in the SnowChestonBurreauxkback Mountain
    139.72114.76

    Tony Pollard 36.5 for the win. CeeDee Lamb 24.4 in the loss.

The holiday

Week 7 gave us a lot of things. A 36.5 from a running back nobody wanted. Four guys who owe the chat a beer. A one-point game. But mostly it gave us DJ losing, and that's what we're going to talk about.

The scoreboard

Sean 102.38, DJ 92.98. DJ left 20.5 on the bench. T.J. Hockenson scored 13.5 and sat. Tre Tucker scored 21.3 and sat. DJ started Malik Washington for 6.5 and Roschon Johnson for 1.3. The optimal lineup wins that game by five. So DJ didn't get beat, DJ beat himself, which is the only thing better than DJ getting beat.

Joe Burrow threw up 28.88 for him too. Best quarterback day of the week on that roster and he still lost. Burrowhead. Named the team after the guy and still couldn't get it done.

New Years Eve Drinking GIF Nathan 108.38, Marcellus 107.42. I won by 0.96. My defense scored zero. Marcellus had Michael Penix Jr. on the bench with 20.42 and started Jared Goff for 18.02. That's 2.4. He lost by 0.96. Marcellus, I'm not going to pretend I outcoached you. I started a D/ST that scored nothing and got away with it.

Wyatt 139.72, Cheston 114.76. Tony Pollard 36.5. Jaxon Smith-Njigba 31.3. Trey McBride 27.1. Wyatt is 6-1 and leads the league in points. Cheston scored 114.76 and lost. That's the game.

Zac 127.32, Tanner 99.1. Zay Flowers 27.7, Luther Burden III 23.7, Colston Loveland 19.9. Tanner is 1-6 with the seventh most points in the league. Six straight losses. The commissioner can't fix that one with a ruling.

Bill 119.14, Dan 101.2. Drake Maye 27.44, Amon-Ra St. Brown 24.2, Ashton Jeanty 21.6. Bill left Bo Nix and his 26.18 on the bench and won by 18 anyway.

Daniel 111.42, Culley 76.62. Culley scored the lowest total in the league. Bryce Young got him 5.42. The Ravens D/ST got him negative three. Six in a row.

Joe 96.82, Rudy 81.6. Rudy scored 81.6 and had Mahomes.

Left on the bench

Rudy started Christian Kirk at wide receiver. Kirk scored 0. Omar Cooper Jr. was on his bench with 22.5. Rudy lost by 15.22. He had 7 moves this week, the most of anyone in the league, and the one guy he actually put in the lineup put up a flat zero.

Our commissioner.

Ryan Reynolds Reaction GIF Sean left 32.7 on the bench, most in the league, and won anyway. Jameson Williams had 26.1 in street clothes while Jalen Coker started and got 1.9.

The chug list

Four of you. The chat is waiting.

Sean, Titans D/ST, 0, in the D/ST slot. Rudy, Christian Kirk, 0, started at wide receiver. Joe, Texans D/ST, 0, D/ST slot. And me. Jets D/ST, 0, in my D/ST slot, in a game I won by less than a point.

Shirts off. I'll go first.

Luck

Cheston scored 114.76 and lost. He would have beaten 10 of the other 13 teams. That's the unluckiest loss of the week and it's not close.

Joe scored 96.82 and won. He beats 3 of 13. He also drew Rudy, who scored 81.6, so congratulations on the schedule.

Season gaps. I'm 5-2 and 10th in points. Gap of seven, worst in the league, and I'm not going to apologize for it. Joe's 3-4 with the fewest points in the league, gap of four. Tanner is 1-6 with the seventh most points, gap of negative six. Tanner, you're the opposite of me. One of us is getting a trophy and it isn't you.

The wire

42 moves league wide. Rudy had 7, which is churn king, and he still started a guy who scored zero.

One trade. Bill got Alvin Kamara, I got Jordan Addison, on Thu, Oct 22. Kamara scored 13.2 for Bill on the bench. Addison scored 4.3 for me in my starting lineup. I lost that trade in four days. Grade: bad for me, fine for Bill, and the worst part is I can't blame the commissioner.

Wyatt and Zac made zero moves. They scored 139.72 and 127.32. Draw your own conclusions.

The robot

Dan's lineup was optimal to within 2.58. Jacoby Brissett scored 16.48 on his bench and Kyler Murray scored 13.9 in his lineup. That's the whole gap. Dan, the robot would have gained you two and a half points and you'd still have lost by 15. You don't have a lineup problem. Keep the login.

Injury desk

Saquon Barkley, questionable. Culley started him for 15.1 and it didn't matter.

Christian McCaffrey, questionable for Daniel. He scored 22 last week. That one matters.

Jaylen Waddle, questionable for Rudy. Amon-Ra St. Brown, questionable for Bill, coming off 24.2.

Matthew Golden and Jalen Coker both questionable for Sean. Coker scored 1.9. Do with that what you want.

Davante Adams on IR, Mike Evans out for Cheston. Rashee Rice out for Rudy. Breece Hall, Emeka Egbuka and Kyle Monangai all out for Wyatt, who scored 139.72 anyway.

Playoff picture

Wyatt 100 percent. Cheston 100 percent. That's the top of the league and nobody's catching them this month.

Daniel 90, me 87, DJ 86, Marcellus 81, Sean 77, Rudy 71. That's the pack. Zac is dead even at 50.

Joe 19, Bill 17. Tanner 10, Dan 8, Culley 5. Tanner has the seventh most points in the league and a 10 percent chance. That's the season in one line.

Next week

Marcellus vs DJ. I want Marcellus to score 200 and I want DJ to score 11.

Daniel vs me. Daniel's scored more points than me all year and I'm ahead of him in the standings. One of us finds out Sunday.

Zac vs Sean. Zac's 50 percent, Sean's on a four game win streak and left 32.7 on the bench doing it.

Bill vs Culley. Both 1-win-ish, both trying. Somebody has to win.

Rudy vs Tanner. Commissioner against the fiancé. If Tanner wins by one point I'm filing something.

Suspicious Side Eye GIF by Bichi Mao Cheston vs Dan. Cheston's angry.

Wyatt vs Joe. Wyatt scored 139.72, Joe scored 96.82 and that was a win for him.

This week's hardware

The trophy case

Robot vs Dan, week 7

Muse AI starts strictly by ESPN projection, no feelings. Same roster, same week.

Dan

101.20

loses the week

Muse AI

101.20

loses the week

Dan and Muse AI tied.

Opponent scored 119.14. Both lose. Nothing settled.

Season tally

The all-bench team

The best lineup the league left sitting this week. 147.3 points, all of it on a bench.

QBBo Nixsat by Bill26.2
RBCam Skattebosat by Culley19.1
RBRico Dowdlesat by Culley14.6
WRJameson Williamssat by Sean26.1
WROmar Cooper Jr.sat by Rudy22.5
TET.J. Hockensonsat by DJ13.5
D/STBears D/STsat by Marcellus3.0
KDominic Zvadasat by Dan1.0
FLEXTre Tuckersat by DJ21.3
Total147.3

Letters to the editor

Got roasted and have a case? One letter each. Everything sent this week goes to the editor for next week's issue, where it will be answered.

The table after week 7

RankTeamRecordPlayoffs
1WyattBlowin' in the Snow · 918 pts · W36-1100%
2ChestonBurreauxkback Mountain · 854 pts · L16-1100%
3NathanOutwit, Outplay, Outbottom · 750 pts · W45-287%
4DanielKupp the Ballers · 820 pts · W24-390%
5MarcellusGettin' D*cker'd · 814 pts · L24-381%
6DJBurrowhead · 807 pts · L14-386%
7SeanBalls Deep · 776 pts · W44-377%
8RudyKicking Feeld Holes · 766 pts · L24-371%
9ZacEtienne My Ass · 773 pts · W23-450%
10JoePlease Touchdown There · 697 pts · W13-419%
11BillThe Flamming Bills · 744 pts · W12-517%
12DanGritty Glitter · 698 pts · L32-58%
13TannerHimbo Hiker Material · 776 pts · L61-610%
14CulleyThe Bye Week · 721 pts · L61-65%

Playoff odds from 5,000 simulations of the remaining 7 weeks. Top 8 get in.

Back issues

  1. 6Cheston is 6-0 with 78 pointsTuesday, October 20, 2026
  2. 5DJ lost againTuesday, October 13, 2026
  3. 4Daniel benched Nico CollinsMonday, October 12, 2026

GIFs via GIPHY.